Friction Points: The Hidden Force Holding You Back
Aug 15, 2025
In the world of mechanics, friction is resistance- unwanted drag that slows things down, causes heat, and, if left unchecked, can blow an engine to pieces. In hockey- and in life- friction isn’t all that different. It’s stress. It’s tension. It’s the subtle force that builds heat beneath the surface until something breaks.
We all have friction points. Some are easy to spot: conflict with a teammate, unclear roles on a team, being overlooked or underprepared. Others are sneakier- like the heat that builds from unmet expectations, poor communication, or the kind of negative inner dialogue that leaves you doubting your place, your worth, or your ability to contribute.
Think of friction like this:
When two parts of a machine aren’t working in sync, heat builds until performance suffers. In a team setting, that heat shows up in blown assignments, missed passes, or eye-rolls on the bench. In life, it shows up as burnout, anxiety, or relationships that feel more like obligations than connections.
The antidote? Friction management.
Not eliminating all friction- some resistance is part of growth. But recognizing the unnecessary stress points and finding ways to reduce them, align them, or repurpose them so they don’t derail the bigger mission.
Friction Management: Your Life Lubricant
Every high-performance engine needs oil. Without it, even the most finely tuned machine will overheat and seize up under pressure. Your life- and your hockey- needs the same thing.
Call it mental lubricant.
It’s the personal skillset that keeps your system cool when things get heated. It’s how you manage frustration instead of letting it manage you. How you recover from setbacks instead of spiraling. How you stay calm and clear when others blow up under the same stress.
Mental lubricant is:
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Emotional control in chaotic moments
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Discipline in daily habits
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Resilience when adversity hits
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Clarity when expectations cloud effort
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Positive self-talk when doubt creeps in
It’s what separates the player who explodes on the bench from the one who regroups, resets, and responds. It’s what keeps your internal gears turning smoothly even when the pressure’s on.
We train our skills on the ice. But friction management- the real mental lubricant- comes from how we prepare off of it. Through mindset work. Through intentional reflection. Through honest conversations about what’s helping… and what’s heating us up unnecessarily.
The Parent-Player Pressure Loop
One of the most overlooked sources of friction in youth hockey is the feedback loop between parents and players. Here’s how it usually plays out:
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A parent disagrees with how their child is being used or coached.
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That frustration gets aired at home, in the car, or through subtle cues like tone or sarcasm.
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The player hears it—again and again- and internalizes it.
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Soon, the player sees the coach not as a leader or teacher, but as the problem.
Garbage in, garbage out.
What starts as a disagreement can quickly turn into distrust. The player no longer sees opportunity—they see unfairness. The friction increases. Confidence decreases. And the chance for growth gets burned up in emotional heat.
The reality? Coaches will always face friction. Not every player can be on the first line. Not every shift is equal. Not every parent will agree with how their child is used. But when parents add their own heat to the situation, it can melt the opportunity entirely.
Warning Signs & Solutions: Managing Friction Before It Breaks You
Here are some of the most common friction points for players and parents- and what to do about them before things overheat.
| Friction Point | Warning Sign | Solution |
|---|---|---|
| Angry Coaches | Player feels anxious, criticized constantly, or unsure what the coach wants | Schedule a 1-on-1 meeting in a neutral setting. Come with written, fact-based points. Use calm, professional tone. |
| Overzealous Parents | Kid becomes quiet after games, dreads car rides, or shows frustration around feedback | No hockey talk for 2 hours post-game. Let the player breathe. If it needs to be discussed, come back to it with clarity and calm later. |
| Misalignment on Team Role | Parents or players feel “underused” or “overlooked,” but haven’t talked about it | Clarify what ‘success’ means. Have an honest family discussion, then approach the coach respectfully if a conversation is needed. |
| Performance Anxiety | Nervous before games, emotional after mistakes, tense body language | Use pre-game breathing routines and mantras. Confidence is trained, not just hoped for. |
| Racing Mind at Night | Trouble sleeping before or after games | Create a wind-down routine. No phone 30 minutes before bed, gear packed early, journal thoughts out of your head. |
| School Stress | Grades slipping, overloaded schedule, missed assignments | Plan ahead. Block off study times before travel. Prioritize assignments. Ask for help before falling behind. |
| Victim Mindset | “Coach hates me,” “It’s all politics,” “No one gives me a chance” | Flip the script. Use accountability questions: “What can I do to improve this?” or “What’s still in my control?” |
| Negative Self-Talk | “I suck,” “I’ll never be good enough” | Track wins. Write down 3 small victories every day—on or off the ice. Keep the focus on progress, not perfection. |
| Parent-Coach Tension | Passive-aggressive comments, venting to others, disengagement | Go direct, not viral. If there’s a concern, speak privately with the coach. Lead by example—your child is watching how you handle hard conversations. |
Cool Systems Perform Better
Friction is part of life. Part of hockey. But it doesn’t have to take you out of the game.
The best families, players, and coaches learn to recognize the heat before it burns the house down. They stay aligned. They reflect. They talk it out. They take ownership of what’s theirs- and they trust others to do the same.
Friction is feedback. Heat is energy.
The question is: Are you going to let it explode… or find a way to convert it into momentum?
Keep your system cool. Stay aligned. And when you feel the heat rising…
Identify the friction. Then fix it.🏒
About the Author:
He’s hit just about every friction point there is- at every level and every age. From missed shifts to misread relationships, from overthinking the game to overheating in it. What helped? Mentorship. Honest coaches. Podcasts, books, and professionals who weren’t afraid to say, “Here’s where you might be stuck- and here’s how to get unstuck.” Sometimes it was a neutral third party. Sometimes it was a hard truth. And sometimes, it was just reacting better- like not losing your mind when the barista lines up the drink hole right on the seam of the cup. Friction’s a lifelong journey. Like the old saying goes: life is 10% what happens to you, and 90% how you react to it. Hockey’s not much different.
